celeritious:

“Eating isn’t very Chanel”

You know what else isn’t very Chanel? Dry, split hair, flaky skin, kidney failure, heart attacks, seizures, bad teeth, brittle nails, loss of menstrual cycle, hair loss, liver problems, and even paralysis.

Stop glamorising eating disorders and teaching girls that they need to risk their health or even their lives to be skinny and fit society’s definition of beauty.

Came to the realization a few weeks ago that I’ve not been myself for a long time. I am so sick of trying to be whatI think other people want me to be. I’m going to be myself and one day, someones going to love me as a whole. All my flaws, all my quirks. And for now, well I have to learn to be that person as well. 

Don’t depend your happiness on other people. Even though it’s great when a person can make you happy, if they chanfe there mind and leave you or hurt you, you need to have other things in your life to pick you back up. 

Goals for the future. Hobbies. 

People just aren’t dependable all the time. You have too learn that quickly or you’ll spend your life waiting for someone to come along and make everything better. When really, only you can do that. 

I hate the way you talk to me, 

and the way you style your hair

I hate the way you smile at me

I hate it when you stare. 

I hate your big dumb combat boots 

and the way you read my mind. 

I hate you so much it makes me sick,

it even makes me rhyme. 

I hate the way you’re always right, 

I hate it when you lie. 

I hate it when you make me laugh,

even worse when you make me cry. 

I hate it when you’re not around, 

and the fact that you didn’t call. 

But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you, 

not even close…

not even a little bit… 

not even at all. 

I am craving a smoke right now so badly but I’m not better yet and I know it’s going to ruin my throat. I’ve been in hospital three times this week and I’m so emotionally exhausted. At least my depressions gotten better. I look back on some of my posts on this blog and it amazes me just how bad I had gotten. And that no one really noticed. But I’m rally glad I somehow pulled it all together. I guess I’m not as weak as I used to think I  was. 

Girls kind of suck. I like someone who doesn’t like me, I’m now not going to see my favorite artist of all time because I broke up with the girl i was seeing her with and two girls like me and i don’t like them back and i really don’t want to hurt anyone. Anyone who said “I’ll just be a lesbian cause its easier” had no idea what they were saying. 

I feel like shit and I have NO one to talk to. I’m sick of thinking and feeling and caring I just want to turn it all off. I want to stop caring. I want to block it all out.

And I’m gonna try really hard to move on and not be miserable frever but I know myself and I know I’m going to spend a long time punishing myself for it. 

I seriously hate myself so much right now. And everytime i try and think of something else and be happy i just feel really sick in the stomach. I had like this one person in my life who made me feel like I was worth something. And now thats not how i feel at all when i talk to her. I feel like i fail her all the time and that she wishes i was different and i really dont know how to be enough anymore.

I try to not care what people think about me, but shes my best friend. I wish she still saw me how she used to. Maybe she does but it doesnt seem like it because i keep hurting her when all im trying to do is help myself. Sometimes it feels like i have to choose her feelings over mine. 

I dont even know what im typing anymore im so fucking tired. I hope things get better in the next week. I wish I made her happy like i used to cause it was one of the only things that got me through hard stuff. Like id be like, “ pull your shit together rojan needs you because you help her and make her happy soo man up.’ And now all i think is ‘you are a huge failure to her and nothing you ever do will be enough for her.' 

My girlfriend is so breathtakingly pretty. Most of the time im like, wtf are you doing with me haha. And she has like all the boxes ticked you know. She’s smart. She’s kind. She’s funny. She has passions and beliefs and i love that in a person. 

It took me a while to connect with her. And that scared me at first because i thought that maybe i didnt like her. Just the idea of her. But then one day its like suddenly it clicked and i could remember the way she smelt and how she looked when she was sleeping. And suddenly i lay awake at night struggling to sleep because id gotten used to her laying next to me with her arms wrapped around my waist. And when we kiss I feel like I’m going to pass out but i think thats a good thing. Because i get really nervous and start to feel all dizzy and my breathing kind of stops for a bit. 

I think my problem was, and maybe it still is, im really scared to need someone again. ive had a lot of people hurt me, i dont want to be hurt again. i also dont want to hurt her. so i was scared, i am scared of getitng close to her. I also never wanted to take any of this fast. I always wanted to take it slow. and i dont think theres anything wrong with not falling in love with someone straight away. people throw those words around way to freely. even me. theres only a coouple people i know in my heart i love truly. and it took a long time for me to be like “holy shit this is a thing. i love this person”  yet i can name about 10 i say i love you too.

You are the coolest most interesting person I’ve ever met. I don’t even know how to explain it really, well I could go on for hours and I probably have in the past. But basically, you’re dope. You’re so gorgeous like your beauty actually blows me away and makes me so insecure when we skype caause its like there you are with your flawless skin and beautiful big eyes and adorable smile and there i am looking like a drug addict.

 And I love spending time with you. You get all my dumb jokes and the sound of your laugh never fails to make me smile. I just wish that i could snap my fingers and make things like they used to be because i feel like im losing you. if you wanna know what i mean, look down a couple posts, if not, just know i really fucking love you. I’d do anything for you, remember that. And anytime you need anything at all just ask me and its done. (I will cut a bitch)

I really just want things to be okayy with rojan again. I remember reading a post she wrote a few months back, about how things were finally back to normal with us, and that when she looked at her laptop and saw that i messaged her, she’d smile. 

And that made me feel so good about myself. Not just because it made me feel needed or that i was actually worth something, but because i loved the idea of me making her happy. Or just her happy in general. 

And now I just feel like this parasite in her life. She has all these amazing new friends and she’s always out spending time with them and that’s what i want because i know that she’s happy. But maybe I should have just let her go the other day because she’s moving on now and maybe we’re just drifting a part. I don’t want to lose her i want her in my life and id do anything to get things back to that amazing place but if thats not possible and if i am just annoying her while she’s trying to move on and be happy i wish she’d just tell me so i could leave because i think i would even though it would be hard. I just want her to be happy. I’ve never felt that way before. Like someone elses happiness was so clearly more important then mine. She’s my best friend.